Saturday, November 7, 2009

BaBoom BaBoom BaBoom/DaDoing DaDoing DaDoing Part 1

It's been a pretty crappy fall. I won't go into why. Suffice it to say that I got caught in the great psychic clean out for upcoming 2012 (those of you woo woo types who know (the real, not media) 2012 will know what I'm talking about). And good thing I went to Belize earlier this year to learn myself what all the fuss over 2012 is. (Good thing I went to Belize for other reasons too.)

Anyway, one of the results of this has been less time hotarmacizing, as D calls it. Who has the energy? It's enough just to pry my eyes open in the mornings and realize, "Oh, I'm still here."

Damn right, and that "still here" may be the only thing worth holding onto. Though my arm muscles may deflate faster than Shihan's ego (which will never deflate, actually), at least I got them muscles. Or something.

D made me laugh the other day. I hadn't laughed in so long the sound startled me, like it was coming from somebody else. D was telling me about her theory of Ba-Boom Ba-Boom Ba-Boom and Da-Doing Da-Doing Da-Doing (rhymes with "boing").

You see, we inexplicably got on the topic of large breasted women working it in the dojo and naked men trotting around on a nude beach. Get the idea? She tells me she was discussing this after class one Friday with Sensei Mo. I would have loved to have seen conservative Jewish Mo's face as D dramatized this theory.

Anyway, I guess the moral is: Let nothing stand in the way of animating your spirit, whether through laughter or exercise, whether you are a deflated P'ster, a Mayan athlete about to be sacrificed, a large breasted woman landing hard after a flying spin kick, or a naked guy training for a marathon on Sandy Hook's Gunnison (gotta love that name) Beach.

Or something like that.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Shihan digs chicks including...

Poor Hot Arms missed a lot of classes this fall. Her old back injury resurfaced but as soon as she had medical clearance, there was Hot Arms punching and crunching, back brace and all.

This post is not about old Hot Arms but is instead about my friend, one p'ster.

This past September in yet another skirmish in my decades old war against fat, I embarked on a "boot camp" at the dojo which meant that I paid $99 for the privilege of taking 10 classes (which I could do anyway) and getting 3 one-on-one sessions with Shihan or Mrs Shihan. This was meant to jump start my new diet. After the boot-camp week, I could get a promotion. So, I scheduled 3 sessions of mitt work with Shihan. (He holds mitts; I hit or kick them and he critiques my technique. Ok.)

In my experience, one of men's favorite topics to talk about with me is women. Happens all the time. Dudes dig talking about chicks with a girl who's into chicks. Ugh!

On my second one-on-on with Shihan, he observed that p'ster and I were becoming close. Here I went into an internal panic pondering what he could be implying. I am as married as I am legally allowed and p'ster was in a relationship. And I was raised Catholic and didn't he know the idea of cheating even if I would ever cheat (not that I would; it would wreck my psyche forever!) sends me into a vortex of guilt at the mere thought, a la Jimmy Carter's lust-in-the heart type sinning. I understood where the man, Jimmy Carter that is, was coming from!

(At the first one-on-one session, Shihan and I just talked about chicks.)

After his not-so astute observation about p'ster and me, Shihan asked me if I thought p'ster was pretty. Talk about rock and hard places! Well, she is. Pretty, that p'ster. But I was not sure where this line of inquiry was going. After a very deliberate pregnant pause, I answered simply, "Yes."

"So do I," he rapidly admitted.

Then, he began to wax rhapsodic and poetic and all that dreck about p'ster. She has finesse. She is graceful. She is fast. She has is thoughtful. She is refined. She is European. (No, she's not! Her parents were!) And I, in juxtaposition, am a "bull in a china shop." Ow! Good thing my ego isn't fragile.

As I punched the mitts and listened to this nonsense, I realized poor p'ster had been catapaulted into the "select" few favored by Shihan. P'ster was now in Hot Arms' vicinity in his realm.

Eventually, the one-on-one with Shihan plus p'ster ended. He mentioned her again at the next-on-one session; but not so blatantly. He merely managed to work a mention of her into our conversations every 5 minutes rather than the entire time.

When I told p'ster about Shihan's lust, p'ster was blown away in disbelief. She had been laughing about his lust for Hot Arms too. Now, here was she now a lustful focal point herself.

This call was borne out when p'ster had to be away from the dojo for over a week. Upon her return, Shihan went out of his way to note that he missed her and that she was very welcome back into the fold. Prodigal daughter or no.

Other times, he asks after her and solicits her feelings after an absence. Oddly amusing but not to p'ster or me. Kinda creepy. I expect that Shihan's attention to her is burdensome and annoying to p'ster. So, poor girl. I am not envious. I am glad to be the "bull in the china shop" or the fat girl in the dojo. It's much easier.

Oh, and p'ster revealed that Shihan is such a guy. Ie: a "walking penis." Gotta love the girl